macclesfield.

december 31st.



farewell-ing these amber days.
have a sober new year's eve, frands.

http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=9cbe0584676cea8c36df4e8dca141969fb6356a8cff343e2f7e866bfb1230ce0

;)

fuck.

december 17th.
woke up screwed.


a four-letter word got stuck in my head, the dirtiest word that i've ever said.
it's making me feel alright.

ctrl+c | ctrl+v

december 6th.
i haven't been in a good mood to do any writing, been too much crippled and slow.
so all i can do now is quoting, copying and pasting. enjoy.



skinny love. by bon iver.
come on skinny love just last the year
pour a little salt we were never here
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

i tell my love to wreck it all
cut out all the ropes and let me fall
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
right in the moment this order's tall

i told you to be patient
i told you to be fine
i told you to be balanced
i told you to be kind
in the morning I'll be with you
but it will be a different "kind"
i'll be holding all the tickets
and you'll be owning all the fines

come on skinny love what happened here
suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
sullen load is full; so slow on the split

i told you to be patient
i told you to be fine
i told you to be balanced
i told you to be kind
now all your love is wasted?
then who the hell was I?
now I'm breaking at the britches
and at the end of all your lines

who will love you?
who will fight?
who will fall far behind?

a quotes-mixtape.

november 30th.
a mixquote of the day.


"oow-ow-fuckity-ow! is this charming man getting the best of you?" --juno grohl smiths.

es ist dunstig.

november 29th.
while listening to air's how does it make you feel on shuffled playlist.



"what is gloomy?" you asked.
"today is," i slight-answered.

ein lied von liebe und tod, die ledig frau.

a tale of a crusty punk and an indierock darling.

november 15th.
while wondering whether tonight i'm gonna have dinner or super.



we both knew when Ben was going solo
i knew it because you told me so.
we both knew that we didn't catch Mono
because that time we were going duo.
we both knew when the city park's gate was open
we both loved parks as we did love Ben.



we both knew how to, to lace well our shoes
i knew how to, 'cause you taught me well to.
we both knew that we never liked boneheads
'cause we knew fascists were better off dead.
we both knew that i knew you didn't get Amebix
i knew that you knew i didn't notice Phoenix.

the nearest shelter.

claps of thunders must have made you very frighten
barks of rottweilers must have jumped you off your shoes
may i come closer, so that i could hug you tighter?
no more you will get shivered, as we reach the nearest shelter


none of these buses that cross will take us to where we belong
i think we should get walking and mind no rain that falls
may i lead the way, find you the safest path?
so that you will not get lost, as we head for the next shelter



the nearest shelter

me playing guitar.

november 3rd.
while listening to beastie boys' the mix up.



if you blogdivers have pretty much time, please feel free to download this link:
http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=9cbe0584676cea8c36df4e8dca141969fb6356a8cff343e2f7e866bfb1230ce0

and let me know once you have listened to them.
;)
muchas gracias.

a panasonic boy.

september 30th.
pegadaian, geger kalong branch.


the most thing i fear in farewells is that i always don't know when my mind will stop being distracted from farewelling.

this paul tiernan's how to say goodbye is for you to listen on yer way to yogyakarta, adityo eka pradikta.

sisa horor semalam.

25 september.
ruang tamu rumah nenek.



film layar lebar semalam tadi bertemakan horor.
hey! kita menonton film yang sama.
hanya saja tak ada kesamaan pada waktu pemutarannya.
juga dengan siapa kita habiskan waktu bersama: wajar sekali mengingat aku tahu bahwa kamu sedang ingin bersama teman-temanmu
dan kamu pun tahu bahwa aku sedang menjadikan aktivitas, waktu, serta teman-temanku sebagai pintu darurat untuk menidurlelapkan si hati galau yang centil itu.
;D

hmm, keseluruhan, terlepas dari ketidaksamaan tadi, tetap masih ada yang aneh pada tema horor semalam.
biar aku coba cek-silang terlebih dahulu.

monster: cek!
makhluk gaib: cek!
superstisi: cek!
sesajian: cek!
perempuan berambut panjang terurai: cek!
simbahan darah: cek!
wajah borok bernanah: cek!
set pengambilan gambar remang-remang: cek!
zombi: eurggh.. cek!
musik latar: cek!
lampu studio mati: cek!
teriakan penonton: cek!
sweater: cek!
kudapan: cek!

aha! ada yang belum lengkap:
aku belum tahu pundak siapa yang kamu jadikan tempat persembunyian saat hantu-hantu blau itu muncul di layar besar;
aku belum tahu sweater siapa yang kamu jadikan tambalan portabel untuk menutupi kostum pesta yang kerap agak sedikit membuat kamu kedinginan akibat pendingin ruangan studio teater--mungkin juga semalam;
aku masih belum tahu tangan siapa yang kamu cubit dan genggam keras saat kamu terkagetkan oleh musik latar yang terdengar mencekam secara tiba-tiba: aku masih berandai-andai bahwa tangan ini adalah jawabannya.

the girl next door.

september 20th.
dad's living room-lights off-lightbrown sofa-brown thin blanket.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

september 19, approx 930pm.
y!m talk.
me: buss!
farrah: bazzz
me: up to?
farrah: who up to?
me: you.
farrah: about to clean up all of the eatable contents in my kitchen.
me: that belly of yours must haven't been able to wait any longer.
farrah:ghrrr!

me: u@?
farrah: home.
me: padalarang, eh?
farrah: ya ya ya.
me: i used to live in padalarang at bukit permata, back in the days, with my brother.
farrah: hwaaa??!
me: what?
farrah: i live at bukit permata too! what block is your brother's house at?
me: it's at block e4.
farrah: no shit?!!
me: yep.
farrah: what number, what number??
me: ah, i totally forgot.

me: hold on a sec, i'm phoning my brother to ask.
farrah: uh-k.

[toooott. toooott.]

me: darn it, my brother didn't answer my call!
farrah: it's ok.

[tooooott. too..
brother: hello?
me: hey, man, it's me.
brother: who's me?
me: a person who's now taking public transportation heading pvj.
brother: don't make a roundabout.
me: whose motocycle was unnoticedly used by you, that's who!!
brother: oh, hi my lovely bro! what's up? lol.
me: ggghrr. man, what's the number of your house?
brother: 39, wha..
toooooottt--> i hang up.]

y!m talk.
me: 39, it is, farr.
farrah: whooaaa!
me: what?
farrah: your brother is the one who dug a well and placed a pump-machine at his frontyard?
me: ya, how did you know that?
farrah: mine is 37!! i just moved in here for 3 months long now.
me: whaaaaattt??!! hell no!
farrah: hell yes.
me: hahaha! wow!
farrah: haha.
me: fantastic! your house is now only a wall away from the place i used to get pretty stoned when spending a whole day long alone at house. i like it, i like it! is that okay if i come by sometimes? ;D

farrah: no problemo.
me: awesome!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

oh yea, today is the winning day for those who have been restraining in the last 29 days.
happy iedul fitri, people.
let's plead for mercy!

move, move, move. shove, shove, shove.

september 19th.
granny's.


"it was all whirlwind.."
thus silentspoke a noisy-grunge white band tee hung on a hanger on the wall of a room where i've been spending a half of the day sleeping.

i remembered an eyeglassed-arts-graduated girl.
farrah, she is named.
her presence's not really a sudden thing to happen.
for the last two days, i've been recalling what her exact geeky-look might be like.
the same look that i claimed as the most natural yet kewl thing that ever happened at belitung street!
lol!

on thursday, when i was accompanying karen to submit her college-assignment and look for some outfits, i saw her about to exit from a glass-bricked store at some shoppingpoint near dago street.

she was pulling that transparent glass door when i decided to wave her hello.
she slanted her eyes: the eyes which were hidden behind those cute well-framed eyeglasses.
she threw a smile.
i released an open hand, asking a hiya-long-time-no-see handshake.
she answered the call.

"how are you?" i sucked at starting conversations.
she smiled, "good."
"alone?" she asked.
i pointed at karen who was about to enter the same store she just exited.
their eyes met, they smiled at each other.
karen got into the store,
i stayed where i was,
while farrah was crook-backed by me.

"not with your boyfriend?" i reopened the chat.
"na-ah," she shortly answered.

we took a silence.

"anymore," she said.
"hah?" i didn't get what she meant.
she low-volumed her voice, "me being together with him. not anymore."
"ah, sorry, no offense, i didn't mean to," i condolenced.
"none taken, it's kewl," she replied.

we took another silence.
that was a post-kinky-chat situation.
weird.

"i should get going, i'll be there for some times to come," she pointed at another store.
"okay, bye," i closed what i started.

gosh!
it really was whirlwind.
it was so flashly fast.
i still like karen, i won't lie.
but farrah's blitz presence had ruined my karen-adoring-time.

she, is farrah and, was my senior when her teeth were still fenced.
;B

ayo belajar kimia-terapan: sebuah introduksi asuhan kak sam.

15 september.
di dalam kamar rentalan 3x2.5m yang lampunya mati semenjak awal agustus.


"a heart that's full up like a landfill, a job that slowly kills, bruises that won't heal.."
-radiohead


sebuah lempengan besi takkan dengan serta mertanya menjadi hancur ketika dengan sengaja kita tetesi air mineral dalam suatu masa.
tapi coba lihat apa yang akan terjadi pada lempeng besi tersebut ketika kita menetesinya terus-menerus dalam waktu berjangka.
besi akan berreaksi dengan oksigen dan uap air mineral, menghasilkan senyawa yang mengandung oksigen; atau yang kita kenal dengan 'karat'.

perlakuan tadi; menetesi lempeng besi dengan air, ya, cukup menetesi saja, tak perlu sampai menyiramkuyupkannya; lama-kelamaan akan memaksa air mineral melepaskan oksigen, atau yang dalam istilah kimia dikenal dengan konsep reaksi reduksi.
sementara besi, ia akan melakukan reaksi kebalikan dengan secara oksidatif menerima oksigen dari uap air.

peristiwa ini tak ubahnya seperti fenomena rutinitas.
dengan atau tanpa kita sadari, kita telah, tengah dan mungkin akan terus menyerap senyawa kebosanan hasil reduksi dari kemonotonan aktivitas rutin.
detik demi detik, jam kerja demi jam kerja, caturwulan demi caturwulan, satuan-masa-lainnya demi satuan-masa-lainnya, kita dipandu oleh rutinitas ke sebuah tebing tinggi di pesisir laut.
pada akhir episode ini, kita terhadapkan dengan dua pilihan:
1. berhenti sejenak untuk kemudian melakukan tur kecil ke tebing berikutnya yang jauh lebih tinggi, atau
2. melakukan terjun bebas dan berenang bebas, liar, mengarungi lautan menuju samudera biru

sekilas, opsi kedua terlihat seperti alternatif pelarian diri yang tepat dari kestagnanan rutinitas.
tapi jangan heran, bila pada akhirnya, samudera yang terhampar luas di hadapan kita hanya akan membuat kita kelelahan berenang: malahan kita jadi balik kebosanan melarikan diri.

bah! di titik ini, rutinitas hanya akan menstimulus zat yang terkandung di dalamnya untuk melakukan reaksi autoredoks, varian reaksi di mana satu zat melakukan dua reaksi sekaligus.
reaksi pertama adalah reaksi kita mereduksi kepenatan akan rutinitas
dan yang kedua adalah reaksi kita mengoksidasi mentah-mentah kebosanan dari perjalanan melarikan diri atas rutinitas.

hhh..

rutinitas tak akan membunuhmu secara instan, ia hanya akan membuatmu berkarat.

"dance. dance. dance." thus spoke lykke li.

you must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.

--friedrich nietzsche.

kontradiksi.

10 september.
sebuah catatan hari kemarin.


ya, aku merasa sangat tidak senang saat orang-orang yang selalu ada di saat aku tidak senang, sedang tidak senang.
tapi tidak bisa disembunyikan, hari itu, tanggal 9 september itu, aku merasa senang menghabiskan waktu bersama karen.
ya, aku masih suka menyukai dia.
meskipun aku tahu bahwa aku bisa dengan cepat gelisah saat hari baru datang.
aku benci ketahuanku akan ke-sangat-biasa-biasa-saja-annya momen-momen yang terhabiskan saat kami bersama; tuduhku, tak ada yang spesial baginya dari berdiam diri berdua denganku: aku hanya seorang teman penghabis waktu lainnya.


[1630, bilangan jalan saparua]
telepon genggamku bergetar.
terdengar suara seorang kawan di ujung sambungan nirkabel sana, sar namanya.
suaranya berat, seperti tengah menahan sesuatu di paru-parunya agar tidak menyeruak keluar begitu saja.
dia butuh aku, minta diantarkan mencari baju hangat untuk persiapan cuaca yang suka tiba-tiba dingin, katanya.
ah, aku tahu pasti, pastinya ada yang lebih butuh kehangatan seperti yang sweater dapat berikan, daripada tubuh kecil sar yang tengah menggigil: hatinya lebih kedinginan.
aku tahu aku bisa saja langsung mengarahkan diri ke tempat ia tengah berada.
aku tahu aku sangat bisa.
tapi aku tak pernah menjadi teman yang baik, jarang.
juga sore itu.
aku sedang berada di samping karen dan aku tidak mau momen itu hilang, jelasku padanya.
dia sangat mengerti, aku begitu egois.
buru-buru ia sudahi sambungan telepon itu.
sempat ia lontarkan godaan selamat karena aku bisa kencan lagi dengan karen.
dia tertawa.
aku tertawa kecil.
dia tutup telepon.
aku tahu aku egois, aku tahu ia tak pernah menganggap keinginanku sebagai keegoisanku.
selamat senang-senang, pesannya tulus.

. . .

[2008, babakan siliwangi]
intro lagu 'eenie meenie' terdengar dari dalam tasku sebagai tanda ada pesan singkat yang masuk ke telgamku.

(terimakasih,paul membuat sy menangis)

itu martha.
pastinya ia sedang teringat lelaki yang pernah ia ceritakan padaku beberapa tempo lalu.
lelaki yang sempat menawarkan peluk saat keduanya tahu bahwa keduanya tengah menjalin komitmen dengan pasangannya masing-masing, lelaki yang sempat membuat pipinya merona merah malu dan lelaki itu juga yang pernah membuat pipinya memerah naik pitam.
lelaki itulah yang ia beritahukan kepadaku, kerap datang dan pergi tanpa maklumat.
dan lelaki yang sama yang menghapus nama si perempuan, martha, dari daftar teman di sebuah situs pertemanan.
martha sedang menangis, ia kabarkan aku.
martha sedang terisak sambil mendengarkan sebuah lagu yang beberapa minggu lalu sempat aku suruh untuk ia dengarkan, bayangku.

(kembali kasih. perihal cinta jok-belakangmu lagi, dik?)
jawab pesan singkatku.

(ya.)
jawabnya pendek, gelisah, gusar, yakin.


"is it okay if i call you mine? just for a time and i'll be just fine.."
-paul mccrane

sebuah surat terbuka untuk martha tentang artikelnya.

7 september.
mutumanikam, 2 meter sebelah timur laut dari seorang teman yang sedang serius membaca kredit konten sebuah majalah gratis.


seharusnya,
musim ini dapat menghangatkan hati yang terlanjur mengkristal di celcius minus.
-->
hati gadis kecil bersepatu converse hitam tinggi yang semakin dingin.
juga hati bocah lelaki kecil berbajuhangatkan flanel itu yang terlalu melogikakan rasa; orang bilang sudah keterlaluan.

lihat! adam kecil itu tampak tergesa-gesa melangkah mondar-mandir, serasa ia tengah menaiki anak tangga dengan vektor undakan yang salah:
undakan itu mengarah turun.
psst! sementara intip si eva bocah, cuma termenung merenung beberapa detik ketika skup es krim di tangannya jatuh dari kon-nya, untuk selanjutnya memicingkan mata ke arah barat, tak habis pikir dengan tingkah si lelaki kecil yang menurutnya terlalu mengada-ada.

"dewa-dewi pastinya sedang jatuh cinta, sampai-sampai panah cupid mereka jadikan tusuk gigi; lupa mereka tembakkan ke ini hati," terka lelaki itu kegirangan dengan bola mata yang terus berputar-putar tak tentu arah.
ah, bocah itu masih belia, sudah mengertikah ia tentang cinta?

. . .

kerut kening bocah lelaki itu bertambah secara eksponensial seraya ia merasakan hangat tetes air di pipinya.
"ah, hujan," terkanya lagi.

stuffs.

september 1st.
beside blakke and sheena who are tickling each other.



"and what i'm trying to say isn't really new. it's just the things that happen to me when i'm reminded of you"







"like when i hear your name, or see a place that you've been, or see a picture of your grin, or pass a house that you've been in at one time or another."

an ode to george ferris.

august 30th.
dad's house.

her name is martha, she is an old friend of mine.
we went to the same elementary and junior high.
she listens to ok computer, while i listen to dirty.
she listens to bang gang, while i prefer sigur ros.

last night, we went to a carnival.
that was her first.
that was my umpteenth.
there were games, so many ones, but since we only had like 10 mins, we decided to take th most giant thing that our eyes catched for th very first time.

so there we were, sitting on top of th world, praying for that ferris wheel not to fall apart all of a sudden.

there were laughs.
there was a scare.
there were shouts.
there were (still) burdens.
there were stuffs that were hidden.

we both had fun.
we both shared smile.
we both hid things.
we both knew that we were hiding things.
things that i missed for not being together with karen.
things that she missed for not being together with her backdoor love.
things that we hoped for coming home, for laying in our embrace.
things that without which, we could only smile flatly.

we were unreasonably happy.
we might be liars.
we were pathetically lying.
we both sucked at lying.

there we were, spending 10 mins rounding some loops more.
there we were, in a cage numbered 06.
there we were, throwing our arms around something we were missing, yet we barely knew how we could miss it.
because if only we knew, we would grasp it tighter than we did.

this year, summer ended in july.

august 27th.

blakke's room.

Hi, my name is samsu. This is my very first posting. If it wasn’t for some chatty-kewl girl named, let’s say, P, I wouldn’t type any single letter here.

It was her that made me think: okay, writing won’t fully cure pains, yet it won’t hurt me either.

So, rather than pitying myself, I’d write instead.

What’s so pity about me?

Yeah, wish I could tell you. If you were me, you wouldn’t be able to separate between what’s so good about being me and what’s so not-good. I don’t know, here I am, having my first life crisis in my early twenty.

It was all started when I dated a girl named Karen back then. It had been two and a half years for us being together, as lovers, as best friends.

It has become a “had been”, started since last month.

We are still friends, though (hope the best ones, still); but lovers, we no longer are.

A flat relationship we had, she says.

This kind of relationship is defined as a relationship without fluctuated emotions, and emotions here are defined as a relationship without fights, without jealousy, without envies; as I’m told.

The time we were still together as lovers, linearly I also learned that people don’t have rights to own someone else’s life, to rule over someone else, to force something to each other; that people are masters of their own. That’s why I kept letting Karen to do anything she wanted, to be whoever she felt comfortable with, to be whenever she was happy at; to do things her heart told her to do.

I didn’t have to get jealous to some other guys who tried to steal her heart, since I always heard her saying about how much she loved me: that’s really relieving and comforting.

I realized that by doing that, I also had to be prepared to lose her, because there had always been possibilities that she would meet things that she couldn’t find in me.

She knew that I wouldn’t try to be a barrier for her when she wanted to find comforts in some other guys.

As for me, a relationship can be built by i-love-you-and-you-love-me-as-well, so by the time one of two can’t love each other anymore, then the relationship can no longer be said as a love-relationship.

I didn’t try to be careless; I just tried to show how much I care by appreciating her, someone I love’s, freedom.

That’s how I define love.

Haven’t I ever got jealous?

I have.

But I always try to ignore that thing since I think that that thing will lead into a possessive stuff.

Possessive sucks, I always believe that.

To love is to let go. I do believe that quote. I always prepared my self for the ‘let go’ part.

The problem is that I didn’t know how much it would take guts to let someone I love go, until I realized that Karen became bored of the so-she-called flat relationship that we’d been onto.

She was bored of the static of not being into fights, into jealousy, into envies, of being freed.

She might’ve felt like want to be held tighter.

She might’ve sickened of being freed.

Love me no more as a lover, that’s what a static relationship had been headed us, she said: we’re headed for destruction.

Screw it! I finally knew the torture a heart-break can give.

A pain that it causes.

Tears that it shed.

Laughs that it pretends.

More nights that it makes me stay awake.

Smiles that it pretends.

More days that it makes me keep on being who I not used to be.

More tears that it cries.

More “fucks” that it forces me to yell.

More the cure’s boys don’t cry’s that it plays.

Now I’m getting jealous, getting jea to those who are now having their chances to feel the awesomeness of being loved by her.

The thought of getting her love back is always crossed in mind, but I’m not sure that I’m ready for a change yet. A change from “the-way-how-I-express-love” to “the-way-how-I-suppose-to-do-it-the-way-she-wants”.

She is Karen. And, who knows, she might change my mind.